The Power of Saying "No" This Holiday Season

It’s that time of year again. Suddenly, your inbox is full of invitations to school functions, company parties, volunteer opportunities, and all manner of special events to put you in the “holiday spirit.” Combine that with family obligations, gift buying, giving, and upcoming holiday travel, and it’s enough to put the “bah” in anyone’s “humbug.” For many people, the upcoming season can make you feel overwhelmed, and strains on your time and financial resources can leave you missing out on the joy the season is supposed to bring. 

So, what do you do? The answer is no surprise—the only way to do it all is, well, to not  do it all. If the thought of saying “no” this holiday season makes you feel more jiggly than congealed salad, keep reading—here’s hope and encouragement to fully embrace your “No”-vember.

Tip #1 - Evaluate

Grab a calendar and a notepad. Start by looking at your current obligations. Don’t include social events yet; just put down what you and your family are obligated to. This might include work, school, sporting events, or religious services that are part of your family’s commitments. 

Next, take a moment to look for blank space. Are you satisfied with the amount of white space left over? Do you and your family have the capacity for more, or do you need to reevaluate if there’s anything on your “must do” list that could potentially come off? Is there anything that needs to be rescheduled until the new year?

Tip #2 - Curate

On a separate piece of paper, write down every social engagement, party invite, school or church function, or community holiday event you are invited to. This is a good time to check your email, kids’ backpacks, and snail mail for invites. While at it, see if your partner has holiday party dates, travel, or special events to which one or more of you are invited. Write it all down. 

The next step is to write down every holiday tradition you feel you “must” do or simply enjoy doing. Do you like to stage a full-on elf story in your house for 24 nights? Write it down. Is there a special holiday tradition to see a movie on Thanksgiving night or visit a special Christmas light show? Write it down. Does your family usually have thematic gifts, matching outfits, holiday pajamas, or photo sessions that “need” to be booked? Put it on the list. Do you want to continue a family holiday Advent tradition or Bible or devotional reading plan? It goes on the list. This is a great time to poll your family. Do your kids have a favorite holiday tradition that, without it, they just wouldn’t feel like they’ve experienced the season? Add it to your list, but tell them that not everything they want can be added to the family calendar. Letting them tell you one or two favorite things helps set appropriate expectations. 

Now, it’s time to write down aspirational holiday stuff. This is the part of the list where you will write down every TikTok or Pinterest idea floating around in your brain (or added to a social media collection) since summer break. Have you always wanted to read a different storybook each night before Christmas that has been lovingly curated, wrapped, and displayed in a basket under the tree all month? More power to you. Do you feel like you need to volunteer as a family at a food bank or soup kitchen but have never gotten around to it? Add it to the list. Have you always wanted to host a New Year’s Eve party, bake cookies for the local fire station, or cut down your own Christmas tree? Onto the list it goes. The sky’s the limit. Keep writing, but don’t be surprised if your list is already creeping onto a second page!

Finally, it’s time to add those things to the list that make all holiday tasks possible. Do you need to set aside days for gift buying, wrapping, decorating, cookie baking, crafting, or leave time for packing or travel? Don’t forget that holiday prep work consumes a lot of time. Make sure to add it to the list to account for it. 

"We all are tempted to buy into the narrative that with a little time and ingenuity, we can be and do it all. It’s not true—never has been; never will be."

Tip #3 - Prioritize

Ok, now it’s time to do a run-through of the list. Don’t spend too much time here, but put a quick time allotment beside each item on your list. Crafting felted ornaments for every member of your extended family on your list this year—say that takes three evenings. Write 3PM beside that item on the list. Want to go to the Christmas brunch with your girlfriends before the kids get out for the break? Write 1AM beside it because it would take up one morning. If you plan for a mega shopping day, in person or online, and want to knock it out all at once, you might write 1D because it would take you the better part of a day to do it all. You might have other codes that make sense to you—it’s an art, not a science. 

Do some quick math. If you attend everything you’re invited to, do everything that you and your family like to do, repeat all your favorite traditions, add all the amazing things from your aspirational list, and designate the time for your holiday tasks, how many days, mornings, evenings, or weekends would you need? 

Remember the calendar we started with—the one where we already set aside time for our current, regular, ongoing commitments like school and work? Go back to the white space. How much time do you have left? If you’re like me, this is the point where you will begin to realize that the math doesn’t math. Oof! 

But before you grab the gold of your internal resolve and determine to shoehorn every one of those list items on your calendar and shove, I want you to take a minute and reflect on what you want this season to look like and feel like.

How many nights do you want to prioritize dinner with your family this season? How much weekend space do you want to leave to rest, keep up your home, or attend church? What is your energy level really like this year? Are you battling illness, fatigue, grief, or other life circumstances zapping your energy? What about your family? Do they have the margin to do as much as you all aspire to do? What happens to the plan if a toddler goes through a few bad nights’ sleep for teething or an elementary child catches that case of strep throat that’s blowing through the school? Be honest about your time, energy, expectations, and family dynamics. How much white space do you all need? Give yourself an early Christmas gift by leaving room for it. 

Now you have a better picture of how much time and energy your family realistically has available. It’s time to tackle the list! How much time do you have left? Is it six evenings, two whole weekend days, and eight mornings? Do you have a couple of empty weekends but want to leave at least one available for unplanned family fun or rest? Looking at your available space objectively will help you choose your priorities from a thoughtful and not emotional space. 

Carefully look at your list. How much can you do without compromising your available time or family values? It’s time to start choosing. I like to start by placing a star beside one or two things from each portion of my list. What are the one or two parties or family gatherings I don’t want to miss? What is our family’s favorite tradition, or which small tradition that each person loves can be accommodated? Which one aspirational idea do I most want to implement this year? Finally, how much time do I need to set aside for the time commitments of the holiday season, like shopping, decorating, deep cleaning, or gift wrapping and shipping? Those starred items have become my priority, and I purposefully add them to my calendar. They made the cut. Hooray! It may not be everything available to our family; I guarantee it won’t be, but it ensures that the most important things are prioritized.

Tip #4 - Cutting the list-and checking my feelings

This is where the rubber meets the road. If you’re like me, there’s still so much left on the list and so little space left with which to work. Now, it’s time to make hard decisions. There are a couple of ways to go about it. You might be able to take a quick red pen to your list and immediately identify the things that you’re willing to let go of this year. You might see a few things that could be put off until the New Year. Maybe that Christmas brunch you and your girlfriends plan yearly could become a Valentine’s Day brunch instead? There’s nothing wrong with spreading the cheer all year long, and your friends may be grateful to take something off their lists, too! 

You might struggle with this part. There are so many things you still want to do, or, even harder, so many things others want or expect you to do. As difficult as it is, you’ve allotted your available time, energy, and resources. You’re done adding to the list if your time slots are full. Or, you have to remove something you prioritized if you decide to replace it with one of these items. Take a deep breath and check how you’re feeling. If the thought of crossing items off is distressing, take a moment to check in and ask yourself why. 

Am I reluctant to take this family event off my list because I’m trying to recreate my childhood? Or am I trying to give them something I didn’t receive? 

Do I feel pressured by media influences or seeing what others do online to create a holiday that doesn't align with my family's reality?

Am I hesitant to decline this invitation because I worry about being forgotten or discarded by my friends or family? What about my relationship with them or how I think about myself makes me believe our relationship can’t withstand a missed gathering? 

Am I afraid of missing out on memory-making or experiences that can’t be replicated? What happens if I put more on my calendar than is wise for our family, and instead of creating fond memories, it creates tension, exhaustion, or bickering? Will it have been worth it? 

Are there things I’ve done at 110% in the past (think color-coordinated gift wrapping or time-consuming baking) that I could do at 75% energy level and enjoy just as much without zapping my energy reserves?

What would it feel like to be fully present this season rather than participating fully in every invitation, opportunity, tradition, or idea that comes my way? 

Tip #5 - Saying "no"

So, you’ve looked at your calendar, identified your priorities, and made your choices. Congrats! You’re on your way to a more fulfilling (and less full) holiday season. You should be proud. Before you kick your feet up and enjoy a well-deserved winter’s nap, it’s time to address the “no” list. How do you do it, and how do you deal with the feeling of saying no to people you care about? 

First, take the easy win. Saying “no” to your aspirational list is saying “yes” to all the higher-priority things you chose instead. You can feel good about the choices you made, and if those ideas are really that fantastic, you can revisit them next year. Sometimes, the hardest person to disappoint is yourself. We all are tempted to buy into the narrative that with a little time and ingenuity, we can be and do it all. It’s not true—never has been; never will be. Like our time and money, we have finite energy and capacity. Giving yourself grace and space is a gift your future self will thank you for.

Talk with your family about the repeated traditions you’re making room for this year. Get excited about the fun things you can do, and create space to share some disappointment over things that didn’t make the list. If your family had to make hard decisions around cutting back on holiday travel or the amount of money spent on gifts this year, those are conversations best had earlier rather than later. Focus on all the fun you will get to do this year, and maybe even hold back one or two items on your new, streamlined calendar to bring out as a holiday surprise!

Finally, politely decline the invitations and opportunities you’re passing on this year. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to do something or go somewhere just because you are invited or because a friend or family member pushes against your boundaries. At the end of the day, it’s your and your family’s lives and priorities you're responsible for—not theirs. A firm but kind “no, thank you” or “we can’t do that this year” may seem hard at the time, but it will help you to set boundaries you can live with. 

Stand Strong in Your Choices

The holiday rush is upon us. I hope you’ll take some time to access your calendar, curate your opportunities, and prioritize your list to enjoy a restful and fulfilling season!